Almost There

I’m not perfect and I don’t expect
To really ever be
I have endless flaws but that’s just how
I know to be me
I’m a fighter, undercover
As a quiet soul
Perfection bides away its time
Till it's unleashed upon the world.

I’m not perfect, not even close yet
And I’ll never be
I’m a warrior, undercover
Till something deserves me
It won’t be perfect, I can’t expect
Anything to be
But I’ll fight if I’m convinced I should
And that this fight, I fight for me.

I’m flawed for sure, I can’t deny it
But I’m almost there
The flaws are mine to hold for life
Not something I despair
I’ll find a flaw I can complement
And then things will be perfect
But till then I’m almost there
I’m not perfect yet.

Narrative

You see & I see
Almost exactly the same things
What could be, or may be
But we’re never in sync
You’re half full, I’m empty
And neither of us wins
You say & I say
We see such different things.

What you saw, I missed out
I looked the other way
And by the time you turned around
My frame had already changed.
But this was your world and mine
Not a worldwide release
That you & I saw differently
Was an issue for you and me.
Your truth & mine
No longer what we meant it for
A connection for two
Not a skype call with the world

The world knows what they see
A unit despite disparity
You & I separated
From the common story.
What they read into me
And what they read into you
So different from what we know
So different from our truth.

But who can keep the world away
When they’ve picked their sides?
Now it’s about who saw it right
And picked the winning guy
You saw what I saw
For the first time, aligned
What absolutely could not be
No two ways around this time.
Both glasses half empty
A part empties away
As the world counts their winnings
And our story fades away.

Aaji's Fridge

We're all a bunch of nomads
We don't have roots, we have a family tree
4 daughters, 8 grand-daughters & assorted family
Who all set out to travel as far as could be
Festivals were different wherever we would be
Even the hours moved very differently
Days passed by at different speeds
Reunions became distant dreams
But there's one place we gathered at
One place that remained
Aunts, cousins, husbands cats
One place to which we came

Open the door and take a look
You'll spot all parts of the globe
Work, travel, business & fun
Snapshots from wherever we'd go
Spices sourced from Italy
Saffron straight from Spain
Chocolates from Duty Free
And achaar always remained
We never met all at once
What with work, life, college, kids...
But we still connected somehow
In the interiors of my Aaji's fridge

No matter who, or where they were
We brought back lovely things to eat
Because we knew, once safely stored
They'd be the way the family meets
That fridge is a symbol of the family
Each taste different, each choice unique
Each ready to partake cheerfully
Of the complete insanity

There was always something for you there 

Whoever you were, there would be

Something special just for you 

Included in the mix carefully 

You knew, whenever you rummaged through

You were where you had a right to be

It wasn't just another fridge

It was a tribute to family

I don't know where that fridge will go now
Nor does the machine matter to me
I only wish, somewhere, somehow
We find another excuse to meet
How else will we share the love
What else could we use to bridge
Time zones, people, countries without
The central point of Aaji's fridge?
Where will home-made bhaaji meet
The sinful chocolate of the Swiss
Where else will the fancy Cheese
Meet gharcha loncha in total peace?
Our melting pot is unhooked now
The shelves morose & empty
We'll find another, there's no doubt
And on those shelves, again we'll meet
But the central point will always be
The shelves of my Aaji's fridge
Where we returned religiously
Despite work, life, college or kids.

Sepia

She could close her eyes and it was all right there in HD.
His voice took her back to days she had wished would never end.
The tree with those trailing tendrils in one corner, the cats running in and out of view, the uneven feel of the stone seating. She could feel herself back in those magical moments as sunshine faded to cool poetry. It was like they were back there, meeting awkwardly for the second or third time, and she could see the clear browns of his eyes.
The breezes kicked up as she heard him telling her about his night. He ran his hand through his hair, unconsciously, maybe, as he relived his memory. She saw him close his eyes and touch his forehead with three fingers as he spoke of the emotion that had taken his by surprise.
The lights came on, then, and shadows flew around the space they shared... His voice fluctuated from laden with memory to brisk and practical. His surprise laughs were like stray winds that rushed to catch up with the breeze that had passed by. His clear eyes has a disconcerting habit of looking at her, and then sprinting around, wanting to catch as much as they could, finding more stories to tell, more hearts to touch... Till Silence began descending, slowly, softly, and she knew it was nearing the end of her flash to sepia. He began to fade, concluding their conversation much before she was ready to let it go.
She frantically tried to go back; she closed her eyes, fervently hoping that this was a dream, and that in reality, there were really back there, talking about coding and social media. She wanted another chance to meet him for the first time, the second time, the 50th time... Not like this, not virtually. Work was virtual, this was life, this was poetry, this was potent...
And it deserved more than a WhatsApp voicenote in return.

One Second, Three Haikus

1.
As time stops tonight
And the world tries to catch up
Heartache lasts longer

2.
Everything halts
Two hands hesitate in place
And the clock ticks on

3.
She moves on ahead
Seemingly unaffected
Midnight hour rings

Echoes

My cigarette in my hand, I walked along as my feet slowly led me into a progressively darker side of town. Common sense told me to go back.
This was uncomfortable. This was too familiar. There were too many memories teeming in my thoughts. The cigarette that had been keeping me calm was now all gone, so I was walking towards a bad dream without backup.
"You never walk into a potential danger zone without backup."
I knew the voice was inside my head, but I stiffened nonetheless.

He and I had been near inseparable since a gang-brawl in the academy had brought is together. We weren't just batch mates any more, we were brothers. Rather, had been...
"Should listen to him. You know he's never wrong..." all my ghosts were awake again.
"Walk on, now that you're here." My own voice surprised me. I hadn't expected it at this time and place. It broke the pervading stillness of what seemed to be a flashback, if it weren't for the stabbing pain reminding me that there was no going back. I justified things by saying it was time for answers and I needed a confession, at best, but I had my service revolver against my hip, which was telling me different stories.
I disgusted myself.
Like a puppet on a string, my feet led me towards a building I had vowed never to look at again. I knew beyond a doubt, there was no going back, there was no avoiding this now...
She opened the door as unfazed as she had always been. I could have sworn she smiled at me for a split second before "Why?"
"It's time, don't you think?" I was a lot calmer than I had thought I would be.
I strolled into the room, instinctively avoiding the same mess, walking to the same place, picking up a cigarette (was it the same?) and turning to her for a light.
She had closed the door and was ready.
This was habit for the both of us. We were each playing a part.
"How're you doing, Darling?"
Her sneer was invisible, but clearly audible. I didn't answer. She didn't expect it.
I looked around, confirming nothing had changed. Nothing had.
"Haven't you replaced him yet?" I wasn't playing with gloves on.
She deserved none of that.
Her eyes snapped with irritation as she looked at me, wondering, I'm sure, why the bug was here again.
"I don't need to have someone around..."
"That's right," I broke in, "Because the inheritance was enough to let you retire..."
She slammed her hand down on the table, trying for one last stab at innocence... "I didn't know..."
I stood up, the strain of being in his space, seeing his things, and seeing her here a little too much to handle. "Sure you didn't. You also didn't cry on his shoulder, you didn't pretend to be afraid about 'what would happen', you didn't know he had a will..."
She threw her lighter against a wall, all bets were now off...
"Yes, darling, I know nothing. I don't know why you're here. I don't know that you're scared to be here. I don't know how much this is affecting you..."
She was walking towards me, backing me against a wall... "I don't know why you're backing away..."
I could smell the smoke on her breath, smell my brother's perfume on her body.
I closed my eyes and saw the look in his eyes as she had stepped away, leaving the bullet a clear path to his heart.
It didn't matter what the bullet did, she had killed him before it could touch him.
She nuzzled my neck, slowly working her way to my lips.
"Open your eyes, darling..." I could hear the mockery in the voice of the woman who set my brother up to die.
The woman who knew he had left his money to "My daughter, because we're all she has and who knows how long two cops will live?"
The woman who had made sure that I was wound around her little finger, who told me she loved me. She had been the distraction, the reason I hadn't been his backup.
"Remember this? We had been here that day, remember?" Her voice was laughing at me now, enjoying the freedom of not pretending.
"He walked into it for his little girl... Daddy, they're hurting me... Daddy I'm scared... All it took. He tried to call... But he couldn't wait for ever... His little girl, after all."
She turned away, whipping her hair in my face, laughing... "Never walk into a danger zone alone... Oops! Looks like he forgot..."
I had followed her that day, after she left me, something had been nagging at me...
And I had seen her run into my brother's arms, seen the man get into position, seen her step away... And out of the way, as my brother fell under fire he could never have avoided.
She was still laughing.
She never stopped laughing.
When my bullet entered her chest, it all ended, mid laugh... An endless laugh that would never stop echoing.

Dance With Me

I braided my hair with precision I had learnt from insistent school teachers.

The cool night breeze stopped momentarily as the bus paused to let people off. I looked at the face next to mine, outlined against the streetlights.

"Dance with me..."

She looked at me reflecting every bit of the light around, wondering, I could clearly see, if I had finally lost my last logical thought process. I laughed at her surprise and grabbed her hand, running to the front, leaping out of the bus as it pulled away.

I could hear the conductor yelling abuses at us, but it didn't matter.

I loved this spot. It was along the seaside, breeze in your face... "Perfect for a dance, I say..." I spun her into a turn, laughing at her surprise.

She turned like a floating leaf.

I didn't expect such grace when caught off-guard, but she spun around and stopped perfectly. I pulled her back towards me, feeling a kick in the gut as she rolled against my chest, turning in my embrace.

Those eyes, those glowing pools of magic, looking up into mine, she ran her fingers down my neck, one hand still in my grasp.

"Let's dance."

There was a good chance she had telepathically transferred the thought to me, because nothing broke the silence of the spell she was weaving.

She twisted out of my arms, one hand anchoring her to me, as she drifted around me.

She led me, twirling step by step towards the pavement, where she proceeded to land, like a petal settling on the ground.

I turned her once more, wanting to see the precise magic of her movements before she stopped, and for the first time, she stumbled. Her grimace of self deprecation was possibly the most alluring thing I'd seen. She didn't like not being perfect, she didn't like making a mistake... I caught her around the waist, marveling at the sheer feeling of the body I held.

She turned to look at me. The shadows on her face kept me from reading the stories her eyes were telling me, but I didn't need to see a thing. I knew before she reached up to my face what was to follow. Her fingers played along my waist, and the other hand played with my braid. What the shadows didn't hide was hidden when she undid my hair with a deliberate hand, coming closer to me till all either of us could see were shadows, all I could feel was her hand on my neck, and her lips on mine.

Climax

She fell back against her pillow, exhausted.
She had to take a few deep breaths to calm her rapidly beating heart, each breath escaping her lungs as a sigh. Lying in the comfort of her sheets, she closed her eyes, reliving the past hour or so, smiling at the memories, revelling in the complete satisfaction engulfing her.
"What a workout..." She whispered, her eyes still closed, "nobody prepares you for this stuff."
He had really pushed her to her limits, taking her to heights she didn't know she could reach. It had all escalated so fast, she still couldn't believe it. When her phone had buzzed, she had no idea it was the start of something so... "Phenomenal..."
She grinned to herself, aware that she was shamelessly boosting his ego, but she knew it was equally her contribution.
They had both been giver and taker, alternating seamlessly, supporting each other without needing to say anything. Like he'd read her mind, he had responded to every cue in fairytale fashion. And she'd loved having a hand in his responses, knowing that the increasingly intense reactions, the new responses, the involuntary reactions they had both experienced were what they had created together.
She replayed their conversation in her head, from the first message to the last, laughing at all the bad jokes, heart-rate increasing at every new level of intellectual stimulation and marvelling at his skill with words.
"Who knew a random conversation about nothing could be this intense an experience?" She murmured to herself, unlocking her phone to read the chat again.
He had the disconcerting skill of taking a simple chat conversation to dizzying heights. Which was why she was so hooked to him. It was a rush so much more potent than flirting, so much more real than sex; talking to him made her brain work on overdrive. It wore her out like no physical encounter could, nobody had made her feel this alive before, nothing had ever made verbal sparring this... Memorable.
"And the best part? It's all virtual... No expectations from this... No 'will he, won't he'..."
Chat over, end of story...
She flopped back into bed, smiled at the chat window once again before keeping her phone away, turning the lights off and sleeping an unparalleled sleep.

Respite

Days come, and go away
Every day, that's how it stays
The monotonous expanse of
Day after day,
Today, tomorrow and possibly yesterday
But there's a difference, a little change
Between today and yesterday

When the sun sets on the monotony
And lights go on in the city
Suddenly, there's life
Where monotony used to be.

No longer lost in the glaring
The staring light of the nearest star
Dreams shimmer in the dusk
Shake off the day's dust
Beckoning to you, and you must
Respond

Because what else can you do?
When the promise of distraction
The brief respite of delusion
The break from the everyday
Calls you towards it?

The nights are the real deal
Where else lies the appeal of a world
Away from the drudgery
Of monotony?

My nights are mine to revel in
They're for imagining and  dreaming
They're stripped of logical reasoning
My nights are for me
To hope that I'm the dream that he
Goes to bed to see.

The Bed Next Door

The bed next door to me used to be

A comfy place to sleep in

Now it’s just a space

To store blankets and books and cats

Even the cats don’t go there any more, in fact

The bed next door to me is waiting

Waiting like a dog for the man of the house

Like a little child for its mother to awake so it can play

Like the breathless waiting for the final ball of the match

Waiting like a bed for the butt that’s supposed to lazily lie

And the slob that’s supposed to spend the mornings in it

Waiting for the mass of uncompromising lazy

And the comforting certainty of being worth something

The bed next door to me used to be a comfy place to sleep in

But now it’s a vacant waiting room

With vacant chairs

Occupied by vacant stares

Looking into vagueness for something that isn’t there

Waiting for the train to roll in

For the doctor to see you now

For the results of the entrance test that decides your future

The bed next door to me is a petulant little child

It refuses to wait

It throws off patience

It throws tantrums

It wails and stomps and screams

It demands

That you with the lazy butt

Come and calm the storm and sleep all day

And make it all better

Because the bed next door to me?

It’s annoying with its emptiness

And its unending waiting

Because it’s a bed, not a storage space

It deserves to be treated better than to be used

To store blankets and books and cats

Even the cats don’t go there any more, in fact.