Beating Retreat - An Empty Apology

Do me a favour & let go
Not of the love
Not the love, ever
Let go of the fight
The constant ceasefire
The battle scars,
The lost men,
The open wounds,
Let go!

The constant reminders
Of how we could be better
The recaps, reviews
Let's put it behind us.
The armies are tired
Weary & worn
Battered, bruised
Beaten & torn.

So let the wounds heal
Though the scars remain
Let every heart beat
Wash away the fresh pain
Let the skin stitch
Where we broke it
Let things go back to the flow
Stay away, heartbreak.
Please, just let go.

Take Flight

Steps.
Rhythmic, periodic
Like pendulums ruled by formulae
Hypnotized, hypnotic
They never question; on they sway

It doesn't matter what time of day

You'll take off and land anyway

Just follow what the uniforms say

And if you'll please step this way..

Step by step like they are told
Isolated crowds though they fly alone
A social parody, a dark comedy,

Run without a flaw
Check in, security, the final boarding call

Willingly strapped
Into a place not of your choice
Hushed & Muted
Scared to make a noise
And break the sound barriers set in place
Unspoken rules of airplanes.

Someone else's flight plans
And some other man's rules
Veiled do's & don't's
That you "Choose" to don't & do

Step by step
Filling into stiff packaging
Conveyor belt compliance
Disguised as travelling

Or travel reminding you of airplane-discipline-life
Where pretty faces & authority guide you through the skies

A prisoner of pseudo independence
As you fly & feel "Free"
Periodically strapped back in
In the interest of your safety
Suggestions politely made
Cannot, do not, I'd suggest you don't
Of course you have a say!
The final 'choice' is all your own

Only do remember
If you fail to comply
The tinfoil prison you're in
Could combust mid-flight
And God-forbid the structural hit
And the sheer volume of loss
All because you failed to listen 
And pay attention to us

As you subside into your seat
In willing submission
The slow lethargy steps in
The stagnation of oppression
Fly by night and close your eyes
Dream of when you'll be free
One day you'll close your eyes like this
And head to an epiphany

Structure & Rules work for a start
But once you're in the air
Fixed, unmoving guidelines
Are better off not there

Once the doors close & you're wished a safe flight
Just how you land

Is in your hand
A perfect 10 
Or a blaze of light

Borders

Borders
Don't matter
When you're two beers down.

Borders
Stop existing
When you walk in & sit down

A drink or two
A smoke to share
And you're on your way

To a fleeting conversation
That's here to stay.

Share a light
A fry or two
And there's tales to tell
Borders
Will stop existing
And nations as well.

Borders
Don't exist
When you're two beers down.

Borders
Lose their meanings
Where there's real meaning to be found.

*Disclaimer:
This has nothing to do with political conflict. This is about the IDEA of borders.

#PartOfAWhole

"Shuttered against storms
Holed up in the dark
Removed, Forbidding
Nothing would pass"

...

They warned her
As she set out alone
Told her
It could not be done
The elusive, the flighty
What she tried to find
Didn’t really exist
It was all in her mind

But on she went
Undaunted
She knew what she’d seen
What she wanted
The flashes of light & the shutter removed
That’s what she aimed for
What she wanted to do



*This poem was originally about something very different.
But it could so easily be something more.

Asleep

I wonder who's watching when we sleep
When we curl up to block in the heat
When arms touch arms and chest to cheek
New rhythms awaken as we breathe.

I wonder who listens to that new beat
Lungs expanding & contracting peacefully
Fitting into crevices like they were made for me
Arms tightening around you more securely

I wonder who reads my mind just then
And knows what hasn't been spoken
I wonder who slows down time a bit
Without either of us realizing it

I wonder who's watching when we sleep
Who sees me struggle to keep
My eyes shut tight a little longer
Determined that morning will not conquer

I wonder if there's a way that they
They could find a way for us to stay
Undisturbed a little bit
Curled up together just like this.

Bribes

It was another one of the same old drills; sit just so, move just so, hands like this, head like this, smile prettily, now, they mustn’t think you’re rude! He dared to look around the room, aghast at his own audacity to lift his eyes. They mustn’t see him; they wouldn’t give him what he wanted, if they did. Most days, he only let them poke and prod and parade for what was waiting for him upstairs. It was all worth it, once – he had let himself slip. A sharp jab at the base of his spine reminded him of his realities.

He managed.
The evening was over.
Up they went; he never travelled anywhere without his escorts, and much as he hated it, he was used to it now, and didn’t bother. As he was let into his quarters, and the door clicked shut behind him, he lifted his eyes to the reproachful figures he faced.
“You sold out!”
“You didn’t even try…”
“I told you we shouldn’t be relying on this one.”
“Pah!”

They followed him as he turned away and walked to where he really wanted to be. Taunts kept flowing; he had failed, he had submitted, he should repent… But he was used to it. As he drew close to his little desk, he started to feel something akin to panic. He couldn’t see it. It wasn’t there.
He looked around, hoping they hadn’t done what he thought they had.
The room was bare.
They’d tricked him.
It had all been a trick.

One by one the voices fell silent. One by one, they cackled as he absorbed them within his rage; eyes obscured by red as his brain fell silent, letting the pandemonium continue. But it wasn’t chaos anymore, it was structured. There was only one thing they all wanted and they were going to get it.

The door was no match for the anger of a being denied. As he burst through, he heard voices echoing behind him.
“I told you it was a bad idea!”
“Who screwed up?”
“Come back here!”

Nothing worked.

The gathering he had just run away from was still in full swing.
Nobody noticed the small rage-filled figure standing in the doorway till he threw back his head and let rip a wail that would awaken the dead.

The muted, tasteful music was no match for the little boy in his pyjamas. The chattering crowd came to a grinding halt, shooting glances at the mortified parents, embarrassed for them, but unsure how to help.

The flustered parents rushed to the tiny, wailing figure, attempting to pick him up and isolate the problem the best they could. He wailed, he flailed, he didn’t need words. As his parents picked him up and rushed him out of the room, he heard them hissing at his nanny “We told you to keep track of ONE thing…”

It had worked.

Minutes later, he was quiet, and the nanny was looking at another job.

His parents back in the midst of company smiled apologetically “He just can’t do without us, poor lamb. Needs his bedtime story.”

He smiled where he sat, back in his room, his little bowl in front of him, happily licking his spoon clean, his demons snoozing quietly around him.
“Bedtime story? I’d choose chartreuse every time.”

Prompt: I’d choose chartreuse every time

Flight

We flew, the two of us

Our wings

Took us higher

And higher,

Soaring on thermals of sniggers

And stifled laughter

Snide remarks 

Sarcastic chatter

We could spot them from afar;

Our twin minds tearing them apart

Finding the humour

Where they found their sneers

Not one of them had a chance

Back to back, we were fierce

Nobody could touch us

Anyone who brought shadows was banished

Broken down

Bit by bit 

Punished

For daring to divert the sun

From a face that was made for sunshine

Made of sunshine

We weren't wrong,

We were protectors

Of the sunlight

Of the brightness

Of each other

Untouchable

Unreachable

Un--

Till a breeze at my back woke me

Till my wings lost strength

Till, tumbling to earth

Surrounded by silence

I opened my eyes

And saw you miles below

Disintegrating

Dust to dust...

We were so busy fighting the world

We forgot to guard ourselves.

Against ourselves.

2016

The Tulsi

The gloom had descended before lunchtime.

Everyone around, adept at reading the signs of their world, started moving that much faster, in a hurry to reach shelter. He fought every urge to crawl into bed as the assault began.

The rain would stop, it would slacken and slow, at the very least, he was sure of it. 6 hours later, he was still chanting the same mantra... It will stop, it will stop...

Around him, there were rickshaws stalled, their drivers pushing them out of the traffic, drenched to the bone and losing money by the second. He knew he should be thankful that he hadn't met the same fate, but part of him wanted the excuse to stop.

Tired, exhausted and in the middle of a fight with his previous customer, at 8pm, he met her. Spurred on by habit, he responded with a "Haanji." when she asked him if he would take her where she wanted to go.

She got in, waiting patiently while he waited impatiently for his money. "Kya hua?"

That distracted him. Nobody usually cared... Who was this girl?

She was nice looking. Looked tired, but nodded in understanding as he told her his problem. Taking his money from the previous customer, he kickstarted his vehicle and they started their ride. "Ek kaam karoge?"

She wanted to go further, but wanted him to bring her back. She asked him if he minded. The unexpected kindness made him say yes.

It was a long ride. There was a mini flood. There was traffic. But she chatted with him... About his auto, about the tulsi plant he had bought that morning, about the traffic, about the rain... She spoke with him, not at him...

He looked back at her as he replied, once, and saw that she was looking right at him, interested in his answers, not looking at her phone or outside.

His vehicle had never felt like a chariot before. As he battled the waves of the monsoon, he felt like a warrior, taking precious cargo into a warzone. It made the day better; at 9.30pm, his day seemed brighter than it had at 2pm.

Dropping her home, he felt exhausted as he felt the vehicle get lighter, as she got out. With a light "Yeh lo bhaiyya, thank you!" she left, walking off, shaking her arms to get rid of the water.

He unfolded the notes she'd given him & stared at his meter. She'd overpaid.

He looked down at his tulsi plant, swaying in the momentum of the ride.

"Maante ho?" she'd asked him... If he didn't before, he did now.

Date & Time

I frantically scrabble through dusty dates
Boxes and boxes, crate upon crate
Memories of evenings on remote hills
Memories of dim bars and split bills
The taste of Chivas, the first whiskey I liked
The first local train experience of my life.
I dig for the dates, although I remember the times
I dig to find the red letter days of my life
Broken numbers come to the top
Of a box filled with more than a lot
Dates disjointed, waiting for a reunion
Thrown aside to look for the box I put you in
Because the dates I have for you don't match
They can't be the dates I have in my hand
They tell me it's a dream
The love isn't have, it's has been
So I'm looking for something I know I've seen
Anything to erase 1991-2015

Strains

I'll play your songs till my ears start ringing
Till I can hear nothing but the echoes
Of the last time you sang them.
I'll play your songs at unsafe volumes
Till everything is silenced
And I can't hear them tell me
You'll never sing them again.

Long Distance

Have you met love?
Love is mankind’s hero
It defeats all evil
Transcends all barriers
Brings people closer
And charts the quickest paths from A to B

Love takes two buses
Dives into rush hour traffic
Then hides until the coast is clear
 
Love travels to wintry, rainy, cold, uncomfortable places
But love… Poor thing
Is no match for distance

Nobody likes distance
Distance is love’s worst nightmare
Only pretends to make the heart grow fonder
And all the while making love’s job harder
With every trip
With every mode of transport
Love never gets closer, only further away
Because distance is winning today

Love isn’t about togetherness
Not anymore
Love is stuck with a phone call
Or a text message
Today, a voice note
Or a wall post
Love is a bunch of words on virtual paper
And a very, very long distance

Love fights a constant battle
A cartographer’s worst nightmare
Charting maps on demand
Building bridge after bridge
Spanning countries and cities and area codes
And career choices and homes and walls

And continuous business
To internet service providers
Because love is shared sunsets
Over skype calls
And a rousing discussion about movies
Watched separately

How can love catch up with us?
We’re not making things easy
Because we won’t stand still
We move on and on and on…
Your life, my life, different lives
You wouldn’t understand
You don’t get it
You had the be there…

But here’s the thing.
Sure there’s a story you’re not watching live
But every voice note lets you in on someone’s life
That wall post, the social media updates
That’s not compensation, that’s information

Your auto ride & OLA cab bills
Aren’t money, they’re investments

Love is standing on this stage
Walking into a room
Smiling like your jaw will split
Love is the hug and the dimly lit nights
Love is savoring every moment before the next goodbye
Heightening the feeling of each other’s arms
Love is laughing about sharing a beer in person
And forgetting the pain of drinking it alone
Love is the bus-ticket, train ticket, empty bank account
Love is a paper napkin in the back of your book
A memory card full of photos you had to laugh about together
A joke you had to be there to understand
But you get it anyway
Because you can see it happen in your head

Love is a vague notion
Every time something goes wrong
That you know who can make it right
It’s not having to be there to make you smile
It’s a cat video shared on your wall
A text wishing you happy birthday
Love is the last dance…
Late night conversations under streetlamps
Because who knows when you’ll talk like this again?
It’s talking like that again
And again
And again…

The empty space next to you isn’t taunting you
It’s giving you strength
Because there are people out there filling it
Right now
With their presence
You just can’t see them

The space doesn’t defeat love
The space reinforces love
Reminds you every day
That there’s love out there
That empty space is your catalyst
Pushing you for that weekend trip away,
Every new map of A to B
That’s love.

Love trumps distance
Because Love is not just the goodbye
Love is the welcome back.