#AboutLastNight

Liquid courage, they call it;
A swig is all you need
To take life by the balls
And to chase your dreams.

One swig
And you'll stop being scared
Stop wishing you'd dared
That one time
When you ran away.

It's fight distilled from adrenaline

It's the balls to say what you mean.

Liquid courage
One swig and you're super human;

You're doing stuff they said you can't
You're breaking rules
You never believed in
You're saying words
You rehearsed
A hundred times in front of a mirror.

A sip to remember
That you're the boss
That it's your job
To take charge
Send that mail
And goddammit, ask for that raise!

Your best friend
Leading you to the dance floor
That lying bastard
Who says you're a bomb
When you're probably more a nunchuk
And that REALLY shouldn't be
Your song.

Your wingman
Who hates to see you crash and burn
But knows she's so damn far
Out of your league
That you probably shouldn't even dream of her.
A swig is all it takes

For "Hi, what're you drinking?"

That idiot
Who told you "You have a dream""
"You have a gift
Damn, you should perform your poetry
It really speaks to me"
Except they've been swigging
Pretty damn hard themselves.

Aged for years
With wisdom imbibed from
Oak casks, and brewing tanks
Microscopic bubbles of yeast-fuelled logic
Pushing their way into your mind
Telling you what you already know
Just don't have the impetus to go for.

Liquid fucking courage.
Because for some reason
Without one swig
You have a duty to suppress it
You know what you want
But you're denied it
Flight fights back
Flight comes in first place
While you cower in the back
"Bhai daaru lao..."

Almost There

I’m not perfect and I don’t expect
To really ever be
I have endless flaws but that’s just how
I know to be me
I’m a fighter, undercover
As a quiet soul
Perfection bides away its time
Till it's unleashed upon the world.

I’m not perfect, not even close yet
And I’ll never be
I’m a warrior, undercover
Till something deserves me
It won’t be perfect, I can’t expect
Anything to be
But I’ll fight if I’m convinced I should
And that this fight, I fight for me.

I’m flawed for sure, I can’t deny it
But I’m almost there
The flaws are mine to hold for life
Not something I despair
I’ll find a flaw I can complement
And then things will be perfect
But till then I’m almost there
I’m not perfect yet.

How to Meet New People After Half Your Life is Done

As a product, you're a problem
A long-term investment
No guarantee
Prone to short circuits
And hell for maintenance.

But even the battered defects you own
Have been accepted by some
But when you grow, you meet many more folks
With whom you have to make things work.

Of course, you come with an instruction manual
But that's buried deep in packaging
Which nobody will try to open
Unless you're doing some tagda marketing.

So let's try to make sense
It's an easy enough process;
Just a few steps.

Step one.

Get out of your corner

And try, na, once, to talk?

You’re fun sometimes, you also acknowledge,

So, can a tentative introduction go too wrong?

Step two.

No, don’t run away just yet

You’re human, not on a final shoot for Seinfeld

Don’t let the raised eyebrows daunt you

You’re a star, your new friends should flaunt you

Step three.

Okay maybe that was a lie

Human beings never grew out of the playground

We were annoying little shitheads as kids

And there’s still enough of us around.

Step four.

But remember, you have some friends

And you’re fairly certain they’re going to stay

So maybe take some courage from that

And make the stage fright go away?

Step five.

FYI, they’re really not worth it

You’re not fighting the playground mafia here

You won’t get bullied now, if you don’t find a group

You won’t find that you’re out of the social loop.

Step six.

Who am I kidding?

No, this isn’t a commentary

Imagine, me?

Confident, stage-smart, street-smart, will-talk-to-clients-at-a-meeting

Me?

Commenting on introvert society?

What is this pseudo-sympathy?

So what if my ears are red right now

And my palms are sweatier than the last time?

But honestly

Have you seen those photo-series?

Behind the scenes of perfection?

The background to every airbrushed video?

The “seedy underbelly” of the show?

Did you wonder if that could be true

For people walking all around you?

Because here’s step seven, from behind the scenes.

Weigh your idiosyncrasies

Find which are okay with society

And if you play your cards right

You’re not weird, but quirky.

Which brings us to step eight

Wherein all you can do is wait

To either be found by, or to find

Someone who is of like mind

But this isn’t cause for celebration

Because then things hit new escalations

With step nine, you tread with care

You’re worried just how much to share

You’re mentally flipping through 25+ years

Of complexities, oddities and fears

And as you introduce each one

You’re fully prepped to see them run

Because you’ve watched these oddities take shape

And even you know you’re a little strange.

Step ten is for those lucky ones

From whom the audience didn’t run

Because now you can finally rest

You’re in the presence of one of the best

And you’re free to embark

On the next monumental task.

Step eleven is what we call sustenance.

It’s what forms the basis for everything else

Piece by piece, you build up on

Each step which has come and gone

So your marketing strategy is now in place
You're ready to launch; complete, with game-face...

But did anyone ever bother to ask...

Why do I need to strategize to ensure I get to socialize?
What even, are you offering as a prize?
The right to interact?

Where did it begin to go wrong?
How are we letting this go on?
Who gets to decide
Which person fits, and who is better off on the outside?

May I hazard a step twelve?
I've been using it, and it's treating me well.
Don't bother.
Really, stop.
Why should you market yourself at all?
Especially to just MAKE a friend
Because that's a beginning, and not the end.

Don’t bother with making a case for you.

You’ll find your niche, like back in school

You’ll find that one other little girl

Who finds it fascinating to be in your world

And you in hers, and that’s all you need

Don’t  bother to bring her up to speed.

You’ll find each others’ oddities

Before you find the normalcy

Ideally, one day, we can all move on

And leave the marketing wars to Flipkart & Amazon

Because we're all broken

We're all oddities

Without a return policy

And why shouldn't we be?

Nobody cares what happens to perfection

It will be fine, it's programmed to be

We're all looking at the flawed

Because that is where there will be magic to see.

I'm Okay

The shower beats down steam & heat
Blessed relief from the deep freeze
And that’s good for now.

You’re okay
You’re alright
Close your eyes
And let the beat
Of the water repeat
The words so you believe

You’re okay
You’re alright

Repeat anything enough
And it comes true
Bullshit with a straight face
And anyone will believe you
You just need to commit

To memory like back in school
Where you had to remember, not Google
Commit
To the back of your mind
Like the tables we memorized
And then left far behind

Commit
To forgetting
To ignoring
To leaving it all behind
To getting better
And better
And better
Till nobody says
Are you okay?
Should you get help?
You’ve been really down
Get out of the funk now!

Commit
To hiding the existence
To avoiding the reactions
To dedication
Perseverance
And sheer
Fucking
Willpower!

I'm fine! 
I'm alright! 
I'm only washing my hair
That's why it took so long in there
Some extra grooming
Something unwanted needed removing 

You’ll believe it
If you repeat it enough
And you must
You must learn

To forget
Forget about the dark; forget it exists
Forget the endless nights fearing dawn
Looking for a way out of it all
Forget the feeling of being at the top of a fall you can predict
That hermetically sealed bubble slowly closing in
Forget the insecurities
The painful memories
Forget how it feels
In fact, douse the heat
Of how you feel
And push everything back into deep-freeze

The water is ice cold now
The geyser ran out of warmth
Trying to drum some into the arctic cold
That just refuses to leave
So I give up & let the icicles in
Beating down till I’m tingling
And I don’t know if I’m in pain
Or just numb now

You’re okay
You’re alright
My teeth chatter in time to the beat
As the water repeats
The mantra back to me

You’re okay.
You’re alright.

Repeat anything enough and you believe it
Bullshit with a straight face & you're sure to win
Going through the motions
Ignoring the emotions
I don't know when the argument
Ends
And reality begins

You're okay.
You're alright.

Falling in Love More Than Once

Love seems to come & go as it pleases
Looks like it listened to you
And those pointless & super cheesy
Dialogues you continue to spew:

"If I don't leave, how will I return?"
A pathetic attempt to soothe the burn
Of the departure I struggle against
Of the long wait that lies ahead.

Until I see you the next time
And all the love comes rushing in
Like the crashing waves of the incoming tide,
A tidal wave set of from within.

I guess it's worth the wait again
Till you find a way back to me
And I fall in love all over again
So many times now, I gave up counting.

Recipe: Breakfast

Two mugs pulled sleepily off their hooks
Fingers fumbling where closed eyes can’t look
To see just where the kettle sits
Deftly concocting the perfect mix
Of coffee, sugar, doodh aur paani
Differing from mug to mug fractionally
Carefully chosen breakfast spread
Of a thousand dips to eat with bread
And then settle down quietly;
Two mugs, sister, toast & me.
The lull before our daily storms
Begin to rage & drag us along.
As a ritual for keeping calm,
Add some judgement, if you want
There’s no one listening in on you
Coffee, food & just you two.
Or three, or four, as per taste
But don’t add too many, or it’s a waste
Of the carefully crafted simplicity
Like with coffee, sister, toast & me.


A friendly tip; for best results, consume this mix repeatedly.

OCD

Routine to see.
Shudders from you
At my style
Which I refuse
To match to yours
Because I’m all odds:
Odd Socks. Odd Laces
Odd Rhymes
Odd Timing
Oddball Furball.

And your structure
Causes torture
Too fixed
Too matched
To match to my desire
For oddities
Among symmetry.

Straining
Against what we are, inherently
Built so differently.
Obsessive in our own degrees;
Your even keel & my extremity
Both out of sorts
With all humanity.

But we’re calmer
When we’re together
Because when two halves make one
They must fit
In symmetry
In equality
And here we agree perfectly
With each other.

Fitting cracks into cracks
Where we both broke
In unison
Where equal hurt
Rests quietly
Complementary
To the capacity
To heal

Till we’re fixed
On one reality
That obsessive-compulsively
We must be
You & Me.

Starlight is Only the Reflection from Stars that Died Light-years Ago

Everyone notices shadow
Very few notice light.
Shadows were what light probably came up with
So people would love what it did.

Because light, na...
Light is the Indian Wedding in the form of energy
There's always something to complain about.
You screw up your eyes when there's too much
You squint when there's too little

YOU, though.
You wear dark glasses
Till it's too dark outside
To see the depths they hide
Till you're steeped in shadow
And what lies beneath, we'll never know
You're like light...
You've seen everything you need now
From the safety of your shadow.
You've traversed the depths
And as you sit there
In the light you like
The time reserved for postmortem starlight
You make mirrors out of all of us
In a strange defiant salute to physics

Your light
Calls to our light
And your solar-powered persona
Crafts planets out of us
Orbiting your sun
And we feel it

That slight buzz of energy
Rocket fuel to the personality

But nobody notices
The increasing grey
The deepening shadow
Night falling behind shadowed eyes
Because we're too busy shielding our eyes
Against the light.

#KadviKaakdi - A Bitter Tale

Like when you walk in on Friday with "plans for the night"
And find yourself right there when Sunday says goodnight.
Timeless thwarting of humanity
An out-of-nowhere whammy.
Evil hiding among friends
Revealing itself not till the end.
A toothsome treat gone badly wrong
Sorrow deployed with every dining gong
Sneaky devil in disguise
Kadvi Kaakdi... With the innocent it hides.
Like the spreading smog across the earth
That can't be traced back to its source
Rooted in pure disdain
Of anything but causing pain.
Kadvi Kaakdi crackles into the night
At every besieged diner's plight
Ageless evil is here to stay
From Birth of Nations to their Salad Days.

Resolution 2017

"It's not affecting your life na?"
See, I know it's not
Not directly
But it is personal.
Because you took away
The dream that there's hope
For millions
Looking to move up
To move out
To move on
From worlds that don't understand them
And I take dreams very seriously.

"But you can't change anything, so just move on"
But why?
One day
One country
Now one man
Changed everything.
And made it okay
To hate.

And hate causes wars
Hate causes hate
Hate burns and corrodes
Hate divides
And divides
Till the root of life
Is hate.

So why not?
Why can't one voice
One poem
One... Me
Change anything?

Nobody says anything
Because it's one country
Fuck them
Is about time someone
Kicked them in the superiority

For a moment there
We were living in a world
Where people wanted to love
Where "law" was friendly
Where the CEO of Google
Didn't have to call in personal favours
To let me in
To my own country
Where every news article
Didn't put me behind new bars
Where my anatomy
Was not making me a target
Where I had an option
To not be afraid.

And it wasn't political
It wasn't business
It was social
It was intrinsically human
To care.

And you know what?
I want to care.
And I want to get started now.
Because
The debates will begin again
Colour
Race
Religion
Pro-life...

...pro-life, that's funny
Did anyone think about life
When they took these calls
To build walls
To keep people out
To pick a thread
And slowly unravel life?

I want to make it harder
For everyone around me
To ignore people
To feel removed
To stay out of it
To "what's it to do with me?"

I'll tell you what it's got to do with you.
Not saying anything means
It's not "him"
It's you
Building walls
Banning people
Ignoring the world
Outside your comfortable
Air conditioned
Perfect
Living room.

One man
And his division
Will multiply
And add
To the voices
Till one
And one
And one
And one
Makes many
Who all took it very personally.

So what I'm going to do
Is care.
And talk about life.
Because let's do that a little.
Forget the objective
Forget the politics
Forget the dhandha
Forget your unfounded fears
And get personal
Because it's all personal...
It's personal as hell.

#Resolution2017

Narrative

You see & I see
Almost exactly the same things
What could be, or may be
But we’re never in sync
You’re half full, I’m empty
And neither of us wins
You say & I say
We see such different things.

What you saw, I missed out
I looked the other way
And by the time you turned around
My frame had already changed.
But this was your world and mine
Not a worldwide release
That you & I saw differently
Was an issue for you and me.
Your truth & mine
No longer what we meant it for
A connection for two
Not a skype call with the world

The world knows what they see
A unit despite disparity
You & I separated
From the common story.
What they read into me
And what they read into you
So different from what we know
So different from our truth.

But who can keep the world away
When they’ve picked their sides?
Now it’s about who saw it right
And picked the winning guy
You saw what I saw
For the first time, aligned
What absolutely could not be
No two ways around this time.
Both glasses half empty
A part empties away
As the world counts their winnings
And our story fades away.