Monday, September 15, 2014

Conditioning

She looked up, as if in slow motion. The words she had just heard were echoing in her head like they were being played back to her on repeat.
'Since when.,' she wondered, 'Since when do people think about this concept when they think of a dance show?'
Apparently they did, these days... And now, she forced a smile, acutely aware of the hopeful face in front of her, looking for a reaction. So she reacted as she was expected to. She smiled, looked as if she knew something nobody else did, and said "Cool. Let's see..."
And the song began to play.
It was one of her favourites, one she invariably associated with waiting, with yearning (apart from the lyrics being about the same)... She associated it with him.
And she knew he wasn't coming. Heck, she had made the decision herself, but there you have it. The song went on, and the beautiful girl in front of her danced on, and despite herself, she found herself thinking of him. She saw his grin as he met her, his smiling down at her, and felt his soft kiss on her forehead, as the song reached its climax in front of her.
She realized that there were tears in her eyes and pity in that of people around who still didn't know the truth... And she felt worse. But she responded as she was expected to... "That was beautiful, you guys... Does anyone have any suggestions?" And under the cover of responses by others, she brought her mask of stoicism back to her face, ready to be the practical one.
Heartless, he had called her. Scared. And over-thinking.
Selfish, he had also called her. But she still couldn't bring herself to tell him about all the tears she had cried because of him and all she had changed because of him. And she wondered, was that her really being selfish? Because she still loved him, and his songs were still his songs and they still made her cry...
But she took a deep breath and carried on, bantering with her performers and friends, making notes of details and wrapping things up.
As she left the building, she realized that she was humming to herself. It wasn't his song anymore, it was that beautiful dancer's song and she was the face in her mind, exulting about her love.

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